• EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS
      For  everyone  who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
      1.   "Since   my   last   report,  this  employee  has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
      2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
      3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
      4.  "Works  well  when  under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
      5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
      6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
      7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
      8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
      9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
      10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
      11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
      12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
      13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
      14. "He's been working with glue too much."
      15. "He would argue with a signpost."
      16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
      17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
      18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
      19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
      20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
      21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
      22.  "Gates  are  down,  the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
      23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
      24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
      25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
      26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
      27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
      28. "One neuron short of a synapse.
      29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
      30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'.
      31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
        
      How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
      A  woman walked into the kitchen to find her
      Husband stalking  around with a fly swatter.
      "What are you doing?" She  asked. 
      "Hunting Flies"  He responded. 
      "Oh!  Killing any?" She asked.
      "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
      Intrigued,  she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
      He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".


      Puns for Educated Minds
         
       1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
      He acquired his size from too much pi.

       2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

       3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

       4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

       5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

       6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

       7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.

       8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

       9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

      10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

      11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

      12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

      13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

      14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

      15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

      16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

      17. A backward poet writes inverse.

      18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count 
      that votes.

      19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

      20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

      21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

      22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

      23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

      24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

      25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

      26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

       




      ONE-POINT DARE
       1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
       2. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
       3. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
       4. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
       5. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
       6. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
       7. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
        8. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

       THREE-POINT
      DARES
       1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
       2 Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
      3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
      4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
      5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

       FIVE-POINT
      DARES
      1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
      2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
      3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
      4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
      5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
      6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
      7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it,
      all of you just shut up!"
      8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
      9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."
      10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
      11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
      12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
      13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant.
      Let him go.
      14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
      15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
      16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
      17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
      18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
      19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee and move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
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